John Dowland on Retail

Fine knacks for ladies, cheap, choice, brave and new,
Good pennyworths but money cannot move,
I keep a fair but for the fair to view,
A beggar may be liberal of love.
Though all my wares be trash, the heart is true.

A lot has changed since the 17th century, when John Dowland strummed his lute to these words. Romantic notions of merchants calling out to passers-by, enticing them with Elizabethan descriptions of their "knacks" and offering idealistic axioms regarding love, is now several centuries outdated. Clearly, Dowland had no business sense whatsoever. (Though, what might you expect from a guy who persistently wore a frilly collar and tights?). If Dowland were in retail today, he would have his District Manager ripping him apart faster than he could say "William Shakespeare". Speaking from the perspective of the modern retail establishment -that great machine, of which I can proudly say I am a cog- I can tell you that Dowland wouldn't last a day in retail, and here's why:

1. He has the right idea in marketing his merchandise as "fine knacks for ladies, cheap, choice, brave and new", but might have said instead, "A fantastic line-up of womens accessories, discounted, name-brand, and the hottest new styles around." Dowland is sorely out of touch with his customer base.

2. Again, he was on to something when he described his merchandise as being "good pennyworths" (though the phrase "more for your money" might be more appropriate), but everything falls apart from here. "Money cannot move"? Of course it can. Just consider how many people it moves on Black Friday.

3. "I keep a fair but for the fair to view" - One look inside a department store during the Christmas season would be enough to convince the most deluded idealist that customers are not fair in any possible sense of the word. However, ours is not to judge. Rather, ours is to ask, "is the shoppability of our store top-box?" and, more importantly, "what opportunities can we resolve in order to provide her with a better shopping experience?", and most important of all, "would you like to save today by opening a charge account with us?"

4. A beggar may be "liberal of love", but we are liberal with our sales. Consider that we have them on every conceivable holiday, even the less popular ones: Labor Day, Memorial Day, Veterans Day, Presidents Day, Boxing Day (Canada), May Day, Pearl Harbor Day, Tax Day, el Dia de los Muertos...

5. Regardless of how "true" your heart is, you should never divulge the fact that your wares are trash. If you do, your clientele might grow savvy to the fact that when you mark up an item to 400% of cost, you can still rake in a hefty profit when you run the item on sale at half-off. And besides, is "trash" really a fair word? You'd be amazed at the high quality that third-world sweatshops are capable of producing.

If he were alive today, and it were up to me, I'd require Dowland to complete a personal evaluation of his strengths and weaknesses in order for him to identify his opportunities. After that, if he persisted in making stupid opportunities, I could always simply leave the jerk suspended in middle-management indefinitely, hoping he eventually burns out.